Tuesday, September 10

and then it dawned on me how big of a whack job i actually am

if there's one thing i'm super good at besides not following through on anything that i say i'll do it's being a irrationally afraid of the most ridiculous things.  shitler hates it and then shitler ends up usually messing with me and borderline sends me into panic attacks about said fears.

and i must admit after actually typing these out it made me feel like a bigger tool than usual.

so here it is: the top six things i'm terrified of.

unflattering pictures of myself that people tag me in on facebook.
don't even try to act like your heart doesn't skip a beat when you see a facebook notification that someone has tagged you in photo.  i mean let's be real - you probably look fat.  you're probably mid-stuffing-your-face.  you probably didn't shower that day (or for the few days before that) and you look like trash.  you get the idea.  for a split second when i get that notification a part of me dies and i'm truly petrified at what hides beyond that click of a button.
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aisles at the grocery store with people in them already:
it doesn't make sense.  i know that.  but there's something about turning down the next grocery store aisle and if there's people already in it i start to mildly panic and have to skip to the next empty aisle.  i just don't feel like there is feasibly enough room in that aisle for everyone.  your cart is going to touch my cart.  you're going to be in my way when i want to quickly grab something and get the fuck outta dodge of that aisle.  i'm going to have a meltdown in public and then i'll never be allowed back in my favorite grocery store.  you know - the one where i know where exactly everything is and that thought terrifies me.

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doing doughnuts in parking lots/people driving erratically:
this is aimed solely at shitler because that mofo knows for a fact that these things scare me so much i could quite literally shit my pants.  doing doughnuts in a slippery parking lot in the middle of a wisconsin winter or driving so that your vehicle fish-tails down the snowy road doesn't hold much appeal to me.  it seems more like a recipe for a goddamn rollover accident and then our car insurance will go up - SCARY.
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snakes:
if i could murder every serpent on the face of the planet - i would do it in a heartbeat.  but it won't happen because i literally cannot be in the same room as one or even look at a picture of one without it sending me into a hyperventilating fit.  in my defense - this fear actually has a base in reality (unlike the other ones that are just embellished to the n-th degree in my head).
when i was fifteen i was minding my own business, laying on a raft in lake during a family camping trip when i felt something bite my arm.  much to my dismay, when i lifted my arm from the water, there was a snake hanging from my arm and it refused to let go.  no amounts of "DROP IT.  DROP ME!" would suffice and it turned into me having to beat it off my arm until it relinquished it's hold and i high-tailed it out of the water.  the snake, refusing to be deterred, continued its hunt as it slithered up the beach through the trail of blood i left behind while my little brother and i sprinted back to our campsite.  my parents ended up reporting it to the campground and the people just lectured me about how i shouldn't go around "corning snakes."
WHATEVER.  those things are the devil's work.
and nice try.  no snake image.  shitler has a nasty habit of sending me pictures of them and then it gives me the sweats for at least an hour.

trucks with supplies mounted in the bed:
show of hands if you've seen any final destination movies?  that delightful flat bed truck with all the murderous rods that isn't properly secured and ends up coming loose and slicing into the driver behind said flat bed truck?  words cannot describe how insanely spine-chilling these things are in my brain.  like "oh those 2x4s look unassuming.  until they come barreling out of the truck and cause a multi-car pile up and give you so many slivers that eventually get infected and you a die a miserable death."  or "oh, that ladder rack you have mounted to your truck?  you may as well mount a damn machine gun to it and drive that bitch down the highway."  know that i simply cannot handle being behind any of these things while driving and basically if i can help it.  and respectfully know that i think you'll probably get murdered by them if you choose to drive behind them.  my thoughts are with you.

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rollercoasters:
no.  just no.  for something that is supposed to be ZOMG SO MUCH FUN it looks like a mother f'ing death trap.  i just know my clothes are going to get stuck in something, or my hair is going to wrap around some bolt and scalp me to death, or the sheer knowledge that at the angle i'm descending back to the earth would kill me upon impact will cause my heart to beat so uncontrollably that it will explode and i will die.  and i swear if someone comes at me with how statistically low roller coaster related deaths are i will respond with "THERE SHOULD BE NO DEATHS IF IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO AWESOME."
leave me alone on the tilt-a-whirl.
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please still like me after reading this.

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33 comments

  1. Finally! Somebody who is smart enough to be terrified of roller coasters like I am. Fuck those things.

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  2. Fuck everything on this list except roller coasters. But that's ok, you don't have to like them. Snakes...oh snakes. I guess their was a big ass one on my man friend's front porch one night and I had to leave soon after they told me about it. Fucking sucked.

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  3. Afraid of all of these except the grocery store aisles...For real though snakes, truck beds loaded up, and roller coasters should not be a thing they all make me cringe and not that all irrational to be afraid of.

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  4. NUMBER 4. ALL DAY EVERY DAY. I agree with all of them but in Florida there is CONSTANT construction happening and EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY I have to drive behind an overloaded pick up (WITH NO FLAG ON IT'S OVERSIZED ITEMS, MIND YOU- LAW BREAKERS!) and pray to God that death isn't coming for me.

    Also, you now have given me many irrational fears about rollercoasters. I'd never considered getting my clothing or hair stuck on something. THANKS SHANNON.

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  5. you need to quit watching those final destination movies. GEEZ. Those movies are why tanning beds make me shart.

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  6. fuckin truck beds! I can honestly say i've switched routes so i don't end up driving behind one of those mofos my whole commute. i have nightmares of plywood flying off the truck and through my windshield into my face.

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  7. This is so funny, gosh that little girl looks terrified!

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  8. i think it quite a dick move when people post unflattering photos of others on facebook. my boyfriend's mom posted the worst one of me to date once when i was smashed at his parent's house after a wedding. you could literally see my underoos while i was drinking some Heineken...she was surprised when i asked it be deleted forever and now asks like i'm some demanding jerk anytime she takes a picture of me.

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  9. hahahaha. the stuff in the bed of the truck -- YES. I saw what happened in final destination!

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  10. I'm scared of clowns like nobody's business. seriously, I'm such a chicken shit I will scream if I see one

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  11. omg crowded aisles. I can deal with 1 or 2 people but when there's a whole bunch in 1 section, I totally panic. You can't get through there!

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  12. FINAL DESTINATION ALL THE THINGS. I can't drive behind those trucks. I will not. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

    I can't believe you got bit by a snake.

    Have I told you my most irrational fear?

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    Replies
    1. Ah! I just commented and then saw this haha glad I'm not alone.

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    2. Haha we are on the same page ladies I just can't with those trucks!

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    3. yup. those goddamn movies ruined everything for me. and by everything i mean life in general.

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  13. Oh my god shoot me I'm dead this was highlarious. That snake story is down right terrifying. You're a loony toon for the grocery aisle one though.

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  14. Seriously, right before reading this I finished writing a post on irrational crap that I'm afraid of. :p

    That moment you see that someone tagged you in a photo though...sheer panic.

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  15. Every time I am behind a vehicle with stuff on it or in it I just replay that scene from final destination in my head where they get impaled by big logs. I also hate aisles with people because I feel obligated to smile and then I worry my smile looked stupid...lol

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  16. I still like you. and I will share:
    1) My husband likes to watch my face freak out b/c he knows that I hate when he does donuts or screetches his tires, or takes a corner too fast, etc. and he does this shit on purpose to see my face
    2) I share the fear of driving behind trucks w/ shit in it. It's never tied down, it's always jumping around ready to fly off. Little tidbit... car carriers also scare the living shit out of me. As does driving next to 18 wheelers b/c I once read a book where a tire popped off one and bounced onto the roof of a man's car and paralyzed him. He could still write but forget walking.

    So your fears are totally rational, I promise!

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  17. if it's possible, i think i like you more.

    NOPE to any trucks with ANY OF THE THINGS INSIDE. NOPE.

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  18. yeah, I don't do snakes. or pictures of snakes. or talk of snakes.

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  19. I almost pissed myself laughing so hard reading this. My co-workers are again keenly aware of the fact that I am not working in my cube. Thanks woman. And thanks for affirming that I am not alone in the irrational fear department. Love it!

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  20. the worst is the truck with the truck on the back and it's facing you as you barrel down the interstate. Those damn facebook tagged photos have literally sent me into a full on panic attack. My hell would be discovering said pics while standing in a crowded bread isle at walmart. Shooot me.

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  21. Every time I'm on the highway behind a truck loaded with crap or a logging truck I always think Final Destination and then I freak out.

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  22. I used to sort of like roller coasters when I was younger, but now I HATE them. I'm not really scared of them now that I'm older (okay, maybe a little). I hate when people are like, OMG you don't like roller coasters. I'm like 1) No, and 2) Standing in line for 2 hours to ride something that I don't want to in the first place=not fun.

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  23. When people try to fishtail or do donuts with me in the car in the snow...I freak. Like all out crying and begging them to stop. It's the worst.

    Oh and roller coasters...Don't see the appeal. I just don't like them!

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  24. After Final Destination, I cannot drive behind trucks with things in the bed. Or use escelators. Or get laser eye surgery.

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  25. So I am one of those people who believes all the animals go to Heaven. But not snakes. Definitely not snakes. Also not bugs.

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  26. bahahaha you and I have very different fears. Like I'm scared to write "fuck" or "cunt" on my blog but damn it if I don't LOVE ME SOME ROLLER COASTERS!

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  27. I just discovered your blog... please tell me that shitler is your significant other. I think we could be bffs. Speaking of irrational fears... mine are butterflies and restaurants that don't have a clear place to place your order (Cosi, I'm looking at you).

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  29. I love me some roller coasters. I rather ride one for an hour than take a plane ride. However I agree with the Facebook tags though. I literally rush onto the computer to make sure I'm not going to die if it is made public for any longer. Now when I'm tagged I have to allow it - ha! I showed them!

    New follower! Random question? are you from WI? I saw one of your previous posts of a car with a license plate and that is where I am from. Western Side. Ok...I'm done being super creepy now.

    P.S. you are hilarious!

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