Tuesday, September 17

if i were to imagine hell i think it would be a lot like my weekend

i'm finally starting to crawl out of the hole that is this sickness that has been plaguing me for over a week.
typically it's just allergies and i can load up on various allergy-related medication and feel fine in like mere hours.  but apparently this nasty thing had other ideas.  it started as just a minor cough.  a tickle, if you will.  and then it launched itself into a full body attack where i couldn't breathe without coughing, couldn't stand without coughing, couldn't do anything without coughing.  and by coughing i mean all-out gasping for breath coughing that often lead to dry heaving which usually led to heavy vomiting.  and you know how there's always one giant indicator that you're actually sick?  like you just know yourself that well that you know if you're doing that one thing or not doing that one thing that it means you're actually ill?  in my case - not eating indicates i'm actually ill.  and i barely ate for the last week.  my brain would tell me that i was hungry but then get me around food and it's like my body was all "hell naw."
so after five straight days of eeking out a meager existence on water, over the counter cough remedies, and mouse-sized nibbles of food i decided to wave the white flag and go to the doctor.  i'm not a giant fan of the doctor because i have this insurance that makes you pay for everything out of pocket until you hit your two-thousand dollar deductible and i considering my nasty history with all things pneumonia i was terrified of the doctor and their expensive x-rays.  and although i was not excited at the prospect of paying through the nose for x-rays i couldn't help but be semi-relieved at a diagnosis that would mean antibiotics and that would eventually lead to not feeling like death warmed over.  but alas - the doc informed me that is was nothing more than a viral chest infection and that two inhalers, a shit load of mucinex, and enough water to effectively drown myself would be the key to feeling better.
so now that i've set the stage i'm sure you're dying to know what the weekend was like, right?

i struggled.  i was scheduled to work at the restaurant, which, couldn't have been better.  i mean - i know everyone is just dying to be waited on by a girl who sounds like she's coughing herself into an early grave.  at some point in the evening my manager took pity on me and cut me loose.  it should have been cause for celebration except i had a text from shitler telling me to pick up ground turkey and rice because some douche dog had the hershey squirts.  IN OUR BED.  so i spent my friday night cooking mac-dizzle ground turkey and rice and monitoring his whereabouts to make sure he didn't journey back upstairs to do a #2 on our bed again.
p.s. there's nothing better than cleaning up stinky, doggy diarrhea in between coughing fits.
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after practically OD'ing on mucinex the day before my body decided to expend any and all fluids via my nose and mouth during a restaurant meeting that made me contemplate death more than i normally do on a daily basis.  then i tried to fake it through a family BBQ wherein everyone knew i was sick because i abstained from all things alcoholic.  i managed to make it through three hours but nothing was working.  simply existing made me miserable and i had to bail on the party.  upon arriving home i had the most violent of coughing attacks that led me to upchucking the food i had managed to choke down and then i felt like this:
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it was at this point, the lowest point i like to think, that i said "fuck it" and drank an unhealthy amount of all night-time cough/cold related things, popped some muscle relaxers, and watched three weeks worth of so you think you can dance (including the finale) episodes, and yelled things/threw my dirty tissues at the television because i hated who won until i eventually passed out for the next twelve hours.
also - i found this somewhere and couldn't stop laughing.
jury is still out on whether it's like actual-type funny or just "shannon was on too many drugs" funny.

sunday i tried to force myself into not hating my life by dumping a bunch of stuff into a crockpot that i thought i would be interested in eating later.  
spoiler alert: it didn't work.
but this guy just watched me from the couch the whole time.  mac-dizzle AKA runny poops a lot.
and yes that's all my dirty laundry.  and yes that's a gallon of water.  and yes that's a rabbit statue.

anyway - it's tuesday.  and it's starting to feel as though there is a legit light at the end of this tunnel.  i haven't had anything alcohol-related in over a week which i think is a true testament to how actually under the weather i am (a metaphor i never truly understood).  in the meantime i'm just over here taking personality tests that reveal i'm most like draco malfoy from harry potter.  #sadtrombone and please still like me even though my personality reveals i'm most like a story book villain.  

i cannot get back to this soon enough:
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  1. hershey squirts...that is disgusting and i love it.

    the bat picture is my new favorite.

    and i feel bad for you and i would have bought you the tissues with the lotion or the aloe in them so your nose didn't get all raw and then i would have hidden the rabbit statue from view.

    get well soon (stole that from a hallmark card)

  2. Hope you feel better soon!! Nothing worse that cleaning up someone else's squirts when you are sick! Total Vom!

  3. I had a bat in my house the other day and it nearly made me want to walk out the door and never come back. After seeing this, I still think they're effing disgusting, but the next time I see one I'll check to see if he's Thriller like and report back.

  4. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! that bat pic is hilarious!

    sorry you were so sick; i hope you feel better but hey, at least you got some good meds, right?

    Vodka and Soda

  5. I'm sorry you're so sick! Drink more, alcohol kills germs so get on that. I feel sad for Mac, I hope he's ok now!

  6. And yes that is a rabbit statue...WHAT OF IT? Love you girl, get well soon!

  7. Ha. I looked at that shit too awhile ago and I'm fucking Ron Weasley. RON WEASLEY. Just shoot me now

  8. Yuck sounds like what I'm just now getting rid of (it only took 2 weeks). Feel better soon!

  9. i am glad you and macs butt hole are doing better. i was beginning to worry about you.

    ps. that goddamn bunny. i kinda want it.... kinda...

  10. This was the grossest post I have ever seen. I am so sorry all of this happened to you! I can't even understand how you managed to get up and do anything. I would have stayed in bed ALL week. I hope you feel better soon and that Mac can attempt to keep it in his damn butt!

  11. I've been there. It SUCKS. Glad to hear you're feeling better. And dog hershey squirts are the WORST.

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    1. dog squirts never ever happen at a convenient time. it's like they know!!

  13. Yes, the thriller bats are hilarious! Sorry you've been so miserable. Hope you are well enough to hit the bottle soon!

  14. WAKE UP SHANNON. How's the wheezing? That you somehow teleported into my lungs this weekend. Although not nearly as bad as your tuberculosis.

    Let's just watch twitch and fik-shun dance together all the time, k?

  15. being sick is super not good. sounds like a brutal weekend! hopefully you're feeling better! word on agreeing hating who won...so i take it you'd rather jasmine and aaron win? i'm such an obsessed fan girl of aaron's it's embarrassing. i was stuck between the girls. i though they were both great, but i probably preferred jasmine over amy! ugh. i'm still mad about aaron losing.


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