Tuesday, January 22

the facts - but not all of them.

i love me some whitney.  her wine guzzling ways just means she's a girl after my own heart.
so i linked up with her over at i wore yoga pants.

enjoy.  or destroy.

1. if i didn't ever have to leave the house - i wouldn't.
i.e. i'm the most anti-social person ever.  like don't even bother asking me to do something because chances are i'll tell you "no" or make up some insane reason about why i can't.

2. do not call me on the phone.  and do not leave me a voicemail.
both are the bane of my existence.

3. i'm terrified of roller coasters even though i've never been on one.
like so terrified i was the only one in my high school physics class that didn't go on the field trip to six flags.

4. one time when shitler was out of town i got drunk and shaved a racing stripe down the back of one of my dogs.
needless to say - shitler wasn't happy.  
BUT - i like to believe that the dog was more aerodynamic and therefore faster.

it was this dog. and in my defense - he was probably drunk too.

5. i can't stand hand-writing the number "4."

6. my dry sense of humor often works to my advantage.  as in very few people take me seriously when they ask why i don't hang out with them anymore and i either tell them it's because they're annoying or that i hate them.  
then they laugh.  
then i just shrug my shoulders.

7. shitler almost never calls me by my name.  
and when he does he usually uses the "shanny" version and it never fails to freak me the fuck out.

8.  i am anal about almost nothing.  except for judging people.  
i'm anal about judging people.  like - i do it a lot.

9.  shitler and i tell people that we've been together for twelve years but we've told people that we've been together for twelve years for like the past three years so i think we've been together even longer than we think.

10.  my parents didn't get married until i was five.  and then after they did get married they never got around to changing my last name on my birth certificate from my mom's maiden name to my dad's name.  and when i was nine or something i found my birth certificate and had a goddamn raging identity crisis because i didn't think my dad was my real dad.

my youngest brother.  who is weirdly tall and talks like a rap star. so maybe we're not related AFTER ALL.
11. one time i was at a strip club and just wanted to be nice nice and give the cute packer cheerleader stripper a tip.  instead i was molested.  like yanked onto the platform, breast exposed to the rest of the patrons and my boob licked my lulu the whack job stripper.

me pretending to defend myself should lulu approach again.  but who are kidding - i enjoyed it.

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  1. no wonder you never facetime me.
    you make millions of excuses.
    but i love you.

  2. bahaha, strippers. that's awesome shanny. rawr.

  3. Me being pulled on stage and molested by a stripper is my husbands fear every time we go to a strip club!!

  4. I also despiiiise phone calls and voicemails.. When my phone rings I get insta-angry.

  5. samesies... have v/m and using the phone. that's what email/texting is for!

  6. that was supposed to be *hate v/m and using phone. stupid fat fingers

    1. HA - i got you girl. and i get it. i totally get it.

  7. My favorite part of the "my parents didn't get married until I was 5" story is when your brother asked if your parents had sex before they were married, and your mom panicked and said no... and then you piped up to remind her you were in the wedding. Hmmmm...

  8. hahaha I love your blog. And if you know Rikki then you must be awesome. I also hate talking on the phone. I've contemplated changing my voicemail to: "please send me a text message."


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