Wednesday, January 30

real talk: nuptials

ok who is planning my wedding?
that's a legitimate question.
because christi offered and then so did this girl that once peed on me like four years ago.
and i have yet to see anything of substance.  
from either of those two sluts.

it's not that i'm panicky about the wedding.
it's that i'm panicky about having to plan absolutely anything.
like what is with the people on facebook with the pinterest, and the save the dates, and the invites?
it looks tedious and terribly exhausting and like it would drive me to drink.
which i already do enough of so it's not like i need any other reason to indulge in booze.

but seriously.
can i just issue a mass text and have people meet us at the courthouse steps with a dish to pass?
and by dish to pass i mean a bottle of alcohol for my own personal use.

i'm also convinced there aren't enough of these weddings:

invite me to your goddamn cat wedding!  via
i'm also convinced that people should stop asking me when i'm getting married.
if you're important - i'll tell you.  until then - knock it off.

my only requirement for my wedding is that it's filled with nonsense.

what was your wedding like?
a nightmare? a dream?
a giant fucking regret?

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  1. My last marriage was a fucking train wreck.
    But lets not stroll down that memory lane.
    That fat, obese mutha fucka owes me $700+ child support. STILL!

  2. My first wedding was to a Neo-Nazi (gee, that German flag in his living room should have been a sign). His mother attacked me and choked me two weeks before the wedding, in a counselling session IN THE CHURCH.

    What was your question again?

    1. i think the real question here is WHY WASN'T I INVITED TO THIS WEDDING?!

  3. you have the wedding you want...if you want to pick a date and fly off to vegas that is what you have to do what makes you excited and not stressed :)

    1. YES - i will.
      and only half-intoxicated when i do!

      but you're totally right!

  4. I'll plan your wedding. You give me money, I'll send out invites that say "Meet me in Mexico sometime in the very not-near future. Bring gifts. Bring alcohol. Bring your favorite food. Bring a chair, while you're at it."

    Then, you have food, alcohol and gifts covered. And I can borrow you my grandpa, who is an ordained minister. You just need to get the wedding certificate. Because I can't do that for you. If I could, I would. Oh. I'll book your flight too.

    I just require 20% of the alcohol and gifts.

    Nice doing business with you.

    PS -- you're fine. I think "OH MY GOD MAYBE I SHOULD FUCKING DO SOMETHING" will kick in for you in a while. I was lazy about it up until like 6 months before hand. You have plenty o' time sugar tits.

    1. this is fantastic. and you're the best and i can't wait for you to take over all planning. we're going to have to negotiate your cut though. 20% is too steep mainly because i'm greedy. so deal with it.

      AND - instead of getting underwear and other articles of clothing embroidered with "bride" on them can you please have them done with "sugar tits" and also "sugar dump?"

    2. Consider it done.

      It's kind of funny that sugar anything is included in my nicknames for you, considering you are anything but sweet. you're more of a bitter betty or morose melrose (i just made that up i think).


    3. i like both of those.
      you can get me shirts made with that on it as well.

      you're perfect.

  5. I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY! It literally starts the day after the proposal! It's ridic!!!! I just want to scream, "You plan it and let me enjoy just being engaged! Stop freakin' me out and give me vooooodka!!!"

    1. I KNOW - pass the bottle skanks and let's quit talking about it.
      i couldn't believe how soon people started asking if we had picked a date.
      it's crazytown when it comes to this wedding bullshit.

  6. my wedding was AWFUL, mainly because i felt the same way as you. everyone else cared more about it than i did, so everything ended up being half-assed. sadly, you cannot half-ass a lowlowlow budget wedding and get away with it. no more weddings for me, it is elopement or nothing!

    but heyy yeahh, go get married in vegas so i can come! ;D

  7. I honestly loved my wedding, but I am a SUPER planner. However, I do wish at times that we just would have gone away somewhere and come back for a big huge party. Maybe that is what you guys should do! Seems way more up your alley and if you do that then you can seriously send that mass text to show up to the party with booze!

    Seriously, if you don't want to plan than do not plan. This is YOUR life together, no one else's. Do what is right for you and everyone else can suck it!

  8. I loved my wedding. It was low key, fun, family friendly, outside, BBQ, and potluck. Low maintenance. I didn't require anyone to wear anything special. Oregon's weather is kind of crazy, so I told them to wear what they were comfortable in!

    I planned my wedding in just a month or two, because we got married all quick-like. Also, we're atheists so, we just ordained his brother, and it was awesome. haha.

    THEN. Since I worked at a bar at the time, they let us have our reception there. Our friends' band played and it was amazing! :) Fun, drinks, drunk, lol, and lots of picture taking!

  9. Hahaha, I love that cat picture. So awesome!

  10. I fucking hate weddings. Sorry for the f. I used to love weddings, and then last year I went to 6. SIX WEDDINGS.

    Kegs & pizza. That's where it's at.

  11. My wedding? I became a little don't wanna know me then. It also took me 1 whole year to decide to plan my wedding. and I think your courthouse and pot luck and drinks sounds friend is going to the courthouse tomorrow so next time I see her, she'll be "wifed up"!

    In all seriousness, take your time. Next thing you know they'll be asking you when are you getting preggers? when does the second child come? yeah gurrrrlllll. you don't want none o'dat shit!

  12. Elope to Vegas (but bring your dress), get married by an Elvis impersonator, come back and have a big ass party.

    If I get married (ahem, again) that's exactly how I want to do it.

  13. I panicked about planning a wedding. And the guestlist...location, etc. So we got married. Just the two of us. At a courthouse. Then we didn't know what to do so we went and go ice cream. Our bi-coastal families still hold out hope that we'll have a wedding. It's been two years. Prolly not happening.

    I say party bus, kegs, and fried chicken. YEEHAW.


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