Wednesday, April 24

to nickolas adam

i'd like to wish the happiest of birthdays to the first brother i ever had to share all the attention with.  i will thank you for all the toys i was showered with at your birth because i like to think the rest of the family was scared at the possibility of a meltdown from tiny five-year-old shannon prompted by your, at the time, unwelcome arrival.

cheers to you and your jack nicklaus name sake and spelling.  dad really, really loves golf, hey?
maybe we should start calling you "
the golden bear?"

if only you could have meaningful family middle name like myself and matthew.
instead you got adam.  which prompted mom to tell you the story that it was, in fact, meaningful (lies) and that you were named after adam from the bible just to placate you.

remember that time you were fucking around and put pretzel rods in your nose and then matthew reached over and crammed it further up your nostril and then blood came pouring out and i just sat there and laughed at you guys?

remember that time i heard you and your girlfriend having sex?  well, mainly your girlfriend?  
ya - well i can't ever un-hear that no matter how much i binge drink.  so thank you.

remember all the times i was basically the best big sister ever and bought you beer because you weren't twenty-one?
just kidding.  that NEVER happened mom - i SWEAR.

are you twenty-three now?  i can't recall.  help a sista out.
but anyway - cheers to more drinks, more shots, and more family dubstep.

p.s. stop picking up shitler.
KIDDING - you can pick him up.
sidenote - we're broke. if you pick up shitler consider that your birthday present.  sorry we're not sorry.

Gin and Bare It


  1. Now that was the best birthday shout out ever.

    I heard my brother and his girl having sex once when I was 11. Scarred me for life I tell ya. So I feel you.

  2. hahahhahaha best sister EVER.
    PS: does he still have a gf, errr? bahaha

  3. Haha, loved this! I think there is always one poor sibling that ends up hearing another sibling have sex :/

  4. Haha this is awesome. I am so glad I have never heard any of my family members having sex. I am also really glad I have never had a pretzel rod shoved in my nose.
    Obviously you are the best sister around.

  5. Haah I would die if I had to hear my brother having sex

  6. Haah I would die if I had to hear my brother having sex

  7. eww, once my sister asked me to go upstairs and get her hand cream from her drawer but when i opened it, all i saw was KY Jelly. I vomited in my mouth.

  8. Awww the sex thing is tooo awkward I'm really glad I'm an only child! But, happy birthday to your brother who sticks pretzel rods up his nose!


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