Tuesday, February 5

lincoln & some other bitch, inc.

we have a dream.
and i don't want to say our dream is as legit as MLK's - but it's up there.
it's also probably never, ever going to come true.
but skanks can dream, can't they?

so in the spirit of all things dream and fantasy-like samm and i got to talking about packing up our bullshit lives and moving to some agreed upon location and opening up a joint office in which we pretend to blog/work.  a space where she gets naked time from 1-3pm every tuesday and thursday and i dress like a slut and bend over my desk a lot.  a space where the mini bar (which, who are we kidding, will be anything but mini) will always be stocked and when i send paper airplanes her way she'll find treats in them (like beef jerky and skittles).  

in the land of this perfect joint office nothing will be off limits.  
google porn fetishes to your heart's content without having to look over your shoulder.  
maybe develop a really terrible body odor because if you don't want to shower then you don't have to.  
better yet - cultivate your drinking problem because this new office is a safe space where drunkenness is encouraged and embraced.

i think what we're trying to say is that it's important to be realistic about the dreams that will never come true.  
this office set-up being one of them.
but if i could - my side of the office would look like this (and i hope it gives you headache - because that was the intent).


lincoln bonawitz, inc.


and i guess what i need you to glean from my office is that my brain is constantly a mess of chaotic, bullshit that doesn't really ever make sense.  and frankly - i just want nonsensical things scattered all over my desk for conversation pieces that will just lead to puzzling conversations.  and even moreso - the point of the joint office is that samm is practically the only person that gets it whenever i pop online and lob some convoluted crap her way that makes sense to both me and her but most likely to no one else.
examples: 
"OMG samm - shitler thinks those hedgie candles that i got for you and me are for BURNING!"
"OMG samm - my dog's lipstick is out because he's excited to see shitler.  do i have a gay dog?"
"OMG samm - shitler keeps trying to convince me that toby from pretty little liars is a vampire.  who does he even think he is?"
"OMG samm -  did ryan mail my xmas stocking yet (yes, it's february)?!"

so to recap - samm and i want to re-vamp our lives and basically make them not suck as much they do now by creating this fantastical office space where anything goes.
this is the business plan i  have presented her:

step 1 - win the lottery.
step 2 - give shitler and ryan an allowance so they leave us alone.
step 3 - make it happen.

i've also come up with a motto for me and samm and our joint office:
this is a place to fuck shit up, not get shit done.

so if anyone would like to do up some business cards for us - that would be great.

also - the love of my other life that has her dream office space over here.


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6 comments

  1. after reading the first part of Samm's post I legit thought you two were teaming up for real. Like you know, online sex toy store, something like that. The idea is still fabulous!

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    Replies
    1. once that business plan of mine pans out we will officially be good to go. and then we will take the sex toy market BY STORM.

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  2. Uh, Leah has a really good idea. Let's be like Candy and open up a sex toy shop. BRILLS.

    I love you. I love you. I love you.

    we need to start buying business cards pront-fucking-o.

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  3. You bitches better hire me!!!!!!

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  4. Absolutely genius. Office bird? Although fearful would keep out unwanted intruders, like everyone.

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  5. Been reading a few of your posts. You're hilarious. And real. And real hilarious. It's refreshing (and I mean that as a compliment). =)

    ReplyDelete

c'mon.
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